Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Green is not my color...101 Days

I think I woke up on the wrong side of positivity this week. I've been in a funk all week since Monday and it's not getting any better, no matter what I try. It sounds stupid, but there are certain things in my head that keep me awake and thinking and one of them is the dreaded green-eyed monster: jealously.

I'll be the first one to admit that I've got it pretty good. I've got amazing friends, a family that I can count on for anything and a boyfriend that loves me. I've got a job that is finally paying well, has some stability and I'm living in Manhattan, which has always been my dream. So why am I so freaking jealous over stupid things that have no bearing on my life whatsoever? This is too public a forum to go into specifics, but it all has to do with weight, body image and how I see myself.

I also really have to learn to own up to my inner feelings. One, I'm sick to my stomach that I'm jealous. It's a worse feeling than being mad at someone or feeling overwhelmed. I really hope I can get over it and move on with my life. Two, I also need to own up to some of the other things that keep popping in my head. I want....

Again, too public a forum to go into the remainder of that sentence. But maybe someday. When I can get over not being able to own what I really feel.

All of this being said, all the chaos in my head today spurred a great workout. I've missed two already this week and need to double up at some point to make up for it. if I bike in the morning and swim/run tomorrow night, that will help.

On another note, next week or the week after, I'm going to start a detox diet with three other people in my office. it's going to be great to have the support. Basically, the "detox" is cutting out a huge amount of food - white grains, nonlean meats, sugars, sodium, etc. It will last 30 days and the 2nd week of the detox involves a "master cleanse" type of drink, which I drink five times a day for seven days. Sounds awful, but hopefully with the support of everyone else doing it with me, it won't be so bad.

Here's to hoping tomorrow is better. I think part of the funk I'm in deals with the fact that it's been raining almost nonstop for four days. I could never live in Seattle.

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